A Personal Question For Everyone

[Archer]

This is going to be somewhat personal for myself and anyone responding that decides to humour me, so be warned.

These past 5 or so years I've been going through a lot. Between getting diagnosed, the disease progressing to my lungs and severely damaging them, and losing the ability to do nearly everything I love other than gaming, my mental state has not been the greatest. There have been numerous times I've considered killing myself, as I couldn't see anything getting better and I just wanted it over. My best friend at the time of diagnosis, who I considered a brother, up and completely cut off communication with me at the time I got diagnosed. Over time, all of my friends from 9th and 10th grade stopped speaking with me. Up until recently I had gone nearly the entire time since diagnosis without having anyone to actually hang out with. I finally made some, but they live too far away for me to see frequently. The most recent blow to me, was my fiance breaking up with me and essentially ghosting me for reasons I still don't understand at all. I'm currently at an all time low. I'm making this post because I want to ask everyone; those of you who have considered suicide, what prevented you from doing so? For me, at this point, the only thing stopping me is the thought of what my family would go through upon me carrying it out. That's the only thing. I'm worried sometime I might decide I don't care about that anymore and follow through. I know it is a very personal question to ask and something that many will feel uncomfortable answering, so please ignore this post if you feel that way. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Games I used to love I can barely play for 20 minutes before it becomes grating. Speaking with people on discord for an extended period tends to give me a headache, even my close friends. I don't know what to do.

 

[Dagger Dick.JR]

Listen bro depression clouds your judgment and what you really see. All of this will happen to people in some way and hurt yourself more than others. The thoughts you get are blocking what you truly can get out of anything. Anything negative will put you down don’t doubt yourself and keep going. It may seem like those that don’t talk to you anymore don’t like you but they care about you they don’t want you to throw it away. Your family cares for you we’re made to continue what they started no matter the consequences. Anything you do good or bad someone will still care about you don’t give up on this shit. Stay safe bro

 

[Church_1]

I myself am a surviving suicidal person, I cut my wrist about 14 times in one whole night, which could have killed me due to bleed out, my sister found me laying on the floor of my bathroom, with blood all over my arm and the carpet, which essentially sent me to the ER, I was in there for about two weeks, at that time I was consumed by depression, but now that my wrist is Scar’d and I’m forever reminded about the painful time I had waking up to see my family’s faces and reactions in the hospital was surprisingly comforting. My point is, people come and go in your life, you are destined to make more friends, etc. and as for the video games you seem to be really burned out, and I strongly suggest taking sometime to find more hobbies for a few weeks or so. And for the medical issues, those are difficulties you will go through in life, I myself am a schizophrenic and throat cancer victim. So I know how medical is when it comes to certain things, I like to think of them as challenges that I’m given in my life time to fight and try and beat, constantly fighting it. Now you did say you were anti-social by nature. Most people are ill be honest, however there are proper ways to over come it. You just have to have determination, anyway. This is all I can think of to try and help your post. I hope it helps in the slightest. Just know, you have people that care about you in the end. So don’t do the dumb mistake I made, because now, I have tons of friends and people who make me happy everyday, that have helped me get through such situations. Just remember that, is it really worth ending it all? Letting those who care for you down? That’s all I’ve got. I hope and I really do hope it helps.

 

[Trooper15]

Listen man I've suffered through suicidal thoughts and depression before, the best thing you can do is talk to a psychologist or councilor. I know it sounds stupid, but it actually helps, and it's best to have this stuff handled quickly. Be sure to tell your family because I can guarantee that their support will help you though this.

 

[Flare]

Suicide is something I myself have contemplated in the past, whenever I had serious family issues like my parents arguing every fuckin day loud enough to where someone could probably hear them from outside of the house. The thing that stopped me back then is thinking about the things I have yet to accomplish. TV Shows to finish watching, Games to complete. Not to mention, I don't want to leave many of my good friends behind.

I found PR is one of those "god I actually want to die" phases. It helped immensly back then. People like Patcher & Nova were bueno. Couldn't find a home in one of the Regiments, but I found a home in Jedi. Everybody in the Jedi Order is amazing to hang around- unless they're having ANOTHER arguement about lore, then god please take my ears.

I'm behind that though. I've learned to manage my stress and responsibilities in a way that doesn't involve wanting to fucking die. Haven't suffered suicidal tendencies like almost cutting myself since, well, January, funny as that may be. Call it a New Years vow.
also, in honesty, PR isn't that helpful anymore, as I find it more of a headache than something I enjoy. Something about Apes and Clowns.

 

[[PR] ProDTigerGE]

Archer, my man. I know we’re not the closest of friends, and I’m sure I don’t know you too well, but I do know you’re a great guy. You’re funny and respectable and a figure to look up to whether you like it or not.
Depression sucks. It’s the worst, I’m sure we agree on that. But what good will it do to you if you let in to it? It won’t. I can assure you that. Don’t, Archer, you’re a fighter. So keep fighting your fight.
A few years ago I contemplated suicide. I’d hold knives to my skin at night, I’d think about what would happen if I just walked out into the road, or let myself sink into the tub, but the thing that kept me from doing so was mainly my friends and family. I had a lot of trouble finding friends, especially in the sixth and seventh grade, I would literally pace the curb at lunch every single day. I was sooo awkward and anxious and I had no idea what I was doing or why, but eventually I met this once person who showed me that I’m not alone, that people do care about me. Sure, I’m still weird and anxious, but it’s been a long time since I’ve thought about suicide. This might sound cheesy, and I’m not sure if you have faith or not, but personally I have a strong faith. And that faith has helped me get through so much in the past few years, has encouraged me and motivated me. I’m not sure who you have around you, or what the pain must be like, but I can guarantee you that there are people who care about you, people who enjoy your presence, and whether your previous friends were really friends or really care, I can’t tell you, but as silly or far fetched as it may seem, you are cared for.
Depression is hell, so overcome it. Prove that you are better than it. Seek help. Please.

 

[Daemon/Kiev]

Oh my. I know exactly where you are. I understand the feeling. I copy that.

Yet, as a survivor of this fucking quagmire you have yourself on (every piece of it, even the medical issues, I can relate), I should note: life is just like a flowing river!
A goddamn stream. Start picturing that.
Waters - or people - will pass the whole time, steady, slowly, fast or unannounced, but they will. These are situations too, so to speak. They just go by, every time, everyday. However, those to stay, Archer, aren't water. They are, absolutely, something surrounding the river - you, by the way. So, those to stay aren't meant to pass and, if they did, it's nothing precious to your life. Not to fight for.

You see, a reflection on those things kept me clarified about life itself. Your head, at all times, must be inclined on the truth. You have to keep it clear and don't forget. It's also all about yourself, man. It's what saved me, after all. It's what prevented me from going insane and doing shit. I'm alive now.
To the point, though: an idle mind will always be the devil's workshop. Don't let that happen, for safety's sake. Accept, please, those who passed within the waters, because that permits others to come too. Likewise, buddy, seek for some professional help. Try to stick to your family if you can. They're priority, alright? They must be. First priority.
Mine saved me, someway. Mine helped me on being focused. Mine, for some instance, gave me hope on loving again. On trying once more. Mine, ironically, were my last and ultimate reason to not give up, just like you.

Moreover, don't forget that you're important as a person and individual. Everybody is!
We will always have a second, third, fourth chance to try again. There's always a lap to run through in this crazy race called life. It's all about a great challenge that you'll definitely beat with the required effort. Just remember that the first step is yours to take. Nothing, besides, will change naturally, except for the worse, because negativity won't ask for any action from you.

Anyways, I'd say more but, if you wish, DM me.
I hope this helped you a slight bit.

 

[Mystical Pyro]

Many things will hit you down really hard during life but you can alway get back up from it. I know this is the most hardest point of your life where you have nothing else but Games but it's really hard to enjoy it. Within those games that you played are concern people who will be your friends and will hang out with you. PR had many times where people... well... wanted to commit suicide, but people here in PR stop it and they will help you In time of need too. If you are lonely just contact me. I myself is free all the time and would like to attempt to be your friend!
Just don't go down that path. Seek some help from others that are trained to assist you.

 

[Fuzz]

Everyone's thought about killing themselves at one time or another, not to discredit what you're feeling but as a person who is as brave as you are Archer, I think that even though life is painful at times the idea that there's nothing to be enjoyed anymore is irrational, I know that you have what gets your nerd bones excited Archer and you can always pick up something, I'd suggest getting an adult coloring book or getting into reading, something that brings your mind out of a state of anxious awareness.
But one thing that's prevented myself from going off the chain is this saying

"If death is inevitable, what's the harm in staying around longer?"

I can say that you're definitely one of the funniest guys I've met on the server and your maturity is something to be respected in a server full of teenagers most of them being inept in social situations. Your situations though shitty are inspiring to the people around you, personally I was inspired when you showed me the video of you getting that Star Wars celebration on the news. I was going through dark times at that point in my life and that video showed me that even if the world seems neglectful and lonely, there are always going to be people out there willing to support you and connect with you. It doesn't mean you keep those connections forever, but there's a lot of joy to be had in them. There's always something in life that can be appreciated, and that's why you should appreciate your small chance at life and just enjoy your time here.

 

[magne/mwm]

So on the topic of this I’d like to open up. I feel like this isn’t as Big of a deal but when i was 3 years younger than I am Now I had seveare( excuse my spelling) Social Anxiety and In general just anxiety. I didnt help that everyone in my Class was a sports type so I had no friends except one Autistic guy( Were still friends to this day) I went to OUH In Denmark and spole with psychiatrists who kinda helped me I Got myself a personal Psychiatrist, or Psychioligist (dont know the exact Word in english) Well It didnt help because we had a teacher that have zero fucks about all of us, she kind of billiges kids. At this moment she is fired. I can’t count how many nights I have just been laying in my bed a crying. Star Wars was definitely a scapegoat that I used to run from my problems, another thing is my match teacher, she kept telling my patent and I that I was just lazy and dumb, I Now know that I am number blind ( I have a document on it, for anyone that is interested) Now me finding garry’s mod was a miracle gaming bevare my means of escape. I can’t tell you how excited I got to join Project Renegade when I saw Sentry’s video. I am really fucking happy to be a part og this community, It sucks being EU when it comes to that but honestly everyone is so fucking nice. I keep coming back to PR to, if a Danish server fails or closed PR, any friday that I am not out of the House PR. I am excited for next weeks holiday, expect to see me on! Love yall, thanks!...

 

[Marball]

I have been severely lonely for the past couple of years ever since I finished school about 3 years ago. everyone I ever knew stopped talking to me and one by one all of my closest friends slowly disappearing leaving me with only 3 friends that still speak to me when they are free. I have spent hours just staring at a wall or scrolling through my library because nothing seems fun when I do it anymore because I don’t have anyone to do it with. I would love to do more things with people from pr but the time zone won’t allow me to join in. This further pushing me down because most of my days are spent with alone aimlessly doing nothing. Spending hours with nothing but hum of my computer pushed me to have thoughts of just ending this sad excuse of a life and give it to someone who will make use of it. I planned out the place, time and even wrote the final note. But I thought of my family before I Did it and I thought how it may effect them. Everyone I ever knew I would never be able to see again. This pushed me to try to snap this cycle of loneliness by talking to new people in my class and me trying to speak to my colleges despite me being incredibly awkward and annoying as well as spending time with those who I know and love dearly, them being family. That is the best thing I can recommend. Spend time with those who love you unconditionally as this will show to you that they do love and value you and if you go, it will change them forever.
Spend time with them and cherish them. Go out with them, ask what they’re doing and ask if you can join in. It can really help you for the better. You can even speak to any of us on the server. Like me I will always be here to listen, this goes for everyone.

 

[Nuke]

I remember a few years back, I contemplated suicide but one of the things that stopped me was thinking about all of the beautiful parts of life that I’d miss out on. There’s so much to do and see on this earth and some of it is once in a lifetime. But the best thing to do is to just talk to someone.

 

[Phoenix]

You know I have a diagnosis of basically lupus but a variant. Suicide is a very real thought that pops into my head everyday, but I just say "Get the fuck over it." Obviously my way is different, but you will just have to find your way on how to deal with it.

You're just gonna have to find your Strength, where it comes from and what adds to it.

Last thing to add. Don't try to forget the pain you have suffered, if you try you just guaranteed yourself to be sad again.

 

[Archer]

Thank you all for your insight

 

[Gates]

Little late but I felt that a little perspective may help. Now I may not be the most mature person here, but some of you guys here have felt that I was always older than I actually am. Childhood trauma does that to you. I was dragged through three failed marriages along with nearly being held hostage within my own home from the first stepfather. My mother never really cared for me, always chasing after fleeting happiness in failing marriages, and that really hurts a child. I was forced to emotionally mature and became depressed as a result. Some of my teachers told me I sounded like a 70-year-old when talking about my future. I felt that there was really nothing left for me and that no one would really care if I disappeared. I bet that is how it feels right now and I can sympathize. Things feel bleak and you feel like you are suffocating and there is no one there to help. It gets tough and there may be times where you cry yourself to sleep, I know I have. So how was I able to manage surviving for upwards 10 years of depression without going to get psychiatric help and committing suicide? Simply I took a step back and slowed down. I had to firmly remind myself of the consequences of my situation. Suicide is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I may feel like no one cares, you may feel like no one cares, but there is most definitely someone out there who cares. I found that a person who cares and I am deeply grateful for her. Selina Sunga is a name I will never forget because of the support pillar she gave me. That was one way I was able to stabilize myself. I had someone I deeply loved and I could rely on whenever possible whenever I felt like I was having a breakdown. The other way I stabilized was by creating an end goal for myself. That goal is to help as many people as I can for as long as I live. This goal has kept me going because it lets me focus on something that was not my depression. I am proud to say that I have prevented at least 3 suicides and I am aiming to do more good once I get into Active Duty. Focus is important in keeping you from staying in a negative mindset.

I do not personally know you well, but you were my colleague and that is what matters to me. Project Renegade has many people here who have shared experiences with you and do care about you. We are all just one huge internet family. You set out your problem to us and we all want to help. So take some time to do some introspection and maybe a little bit of soul searching. Keep your friends close, I have had my batch of goons for the past 8-9 years and they are practically my blood family. We have your back for however long it takes for you to find that lifelong goal, or finding that one person you can trust with your life to help you for when the times get tough. For now though, you have a shoulder to lean on here at Project Renegade.

 

[Dicknose]

Honestly, my problems will never amount to your problems, but the things that have gotten me through tough times have been music and focusing on things that I love, I.e Star Wars and other mediums. During my times of depressions I have turned to music for answers, and I found answers, though I know some people won’t find answers there. I also read philosophical books, in which helped me get passed past loves and such. Here’s my advice, if someone doesn’t help you in your lowest of lows, they do not deserve you. We may have our differences archer, but let me tell you, you deserve so much more from people. So much more than the people in your life has given you. I hope this helped a bit, and I don’t know if this made any sense