Dusk/Dorothy
Project Senior Staff Gamemaster
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2018
- Messages
- 274
- Points
- 28
- Age
- 22
(Sorry if it starts to become a little bit incomprehensible, my brain isn't completely on today)
Hi again, I thought I’d make this forum post just to elaborate on why I left a while ago because I haven’t really made any post about it or said anything about it at all. There are a few reasons I can think of and the first main reason was my mental health issues. My mental health hasn’t been really great, but during recent years everything went from could’ve been better to a bit worse. The best I can describe it is like being a puppet because half of the time it feels like I don’t have any control of the things I say or the things I do. And I try, like really hard to not fuck things up, but sometimes I slip because ADHD isn’t something I can easily control, even after years of taking different types of medication and trying to improve on myself it’s really hard. I’m basically on the spectrum, not sure where exactly but it’s probably not super severe. Still, it’s been really hard on me recently and even though I’ve gotten a little better at composing myself it’s not going to change and it’ll progressively get worse until I see a therapist or something that could help me, but even then that’s a little hard because everyone is busy to help me see one and I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. Second thing is depression. This is a little bit of a hard topic, but I’ve been in a state of a constant struggle in my mind for half a decade now and it’s been constantly fucking me up. Besides the whole divorce thing, there are a few things that have left me really traumatized and have constantly haunt me for years now. I really rather not go too in-depth about them because they’re really deplorable, just fucking disgusting and utterly wrong in so many ways and I just want to forget about that stuff, but I can’t because it always comes back no matter how hard I try to forget. It’s left me paranoid, changed, and many other things. It got really bad around this year because I started to have suicidal episodes, a lot of bad dreams, bad thoughts, and etc. I’ve been fighting it back recently and it’s been slightly better I think, but it’s still pretty hard. For a good portion of my life I just decided to stay on the internet instead of doing shit irl and within recent years I started to realize that this isn’t healthy and that I have to do something about this because if I didn’t do anything about it my future is fucked and I did do something about it. I still think that I’m a little bit messed up, but definitely in a much better position than I was in before. I’ve been taking much care of myself mentally and physically, reconnecting with family, and planning out the future. Despite all of this, why did I come back? Well it’s because I feel better now. I just really wanted to get away from everything for a while so I could heal and improve on myself and so far it’s been working well. However, recently in the past few months I been wanting to come back to PR, this server means a fucking a lot to me in so many ways. I’ve made friends here, met cool people, learned new things, experienced cool shit, and met the love of my life here. Whether it’s home or a safe haven, this community holds a special spot in my heart because if I never came to PR everything would be so different than how things are right now. I’m going to try to stay this time, but I’m not sure how active I’ll be with irl stuff I have going on. It’s not super bad right now, but with the stuff that’s going to be happening next year my activity is going to be reduced a shit ton. I also don’t want to spend the entire day on the server, it’s probably not healthy for me. I’m not sure if I’ve left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth or if people don’t want to do anything with me, but I just want to let you know that it’s fine. I’ll still love everyone, we’re all human beings and being happy is the true meaning of life I think. Anyways, I look forward to seeing you guys more often and to getting to know some of the new people, it’s been a very long time. Have a good rest of the day!
Hi again, I thought I’d make this forum post just to elaborate on why I left a while ago because I haven’t really made any post about it or said anything about it at all. There are a few reasons I can think of and the first main reason was my mental health issues. My mental health hasn’t been really great, but during recent years everything went from could’ve been better to a bit worse. The best I can describe it is like being a puppet because half of the time it feels like I don’t have any control of the things I say or the things I do. And I try, like really hard to not fuck things up, but sometimes I slip because ADHD isn’t something I can easily control, even after years of taking different types of medication and trying to improve on myself it’s really hard. I’m basically on the spectrum, not sure where exactly but it’s probably not super severe. Still, it’s been really hard on me recently and even though I’ve gotten a little better at composing myself it’s not going to change and it’ll progressively get worse until I see a therapist or something that could help me, but even then that’s a little hard because everyone is busy to help me see one and I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. Second thing is depression. This is a little bit of a hard topic, but I’ve been in a state of a constant struggle in my mind for half a decade now and it’s been constantly fucking me up. Besides the whole divorce thing, there are a few things that have left me really traumatized and have constantly haunt me for years now. I really rather not go too in-depth about them because they’re really deplorable, just fucking disgusting and utterly wrong in so many ways and I just want to forget about that stuff, but I can’t because it always comes back no matter how hard I try to forget. It’s left me paranoid, changed, and many other things. It got really bad around this year because I started to have suicidal episodes, a lot of bad dreams, bad thoughts, and etc. I’ve been fighting it back recently and it’s been slightly better I think, but it’s still pretty hard. For a good portion of my life I just decided to stay on the internet instead of doing shit irl and within recent years I started to realize that this isn’t healthy and that I have to do something about this because if I didn’t do anything about it my future is fucked and I did do something about it. I still think that I’m a little bit messed up, but definitely in a much better position than I was in before. I’ve been taking much care of myself mentally and physically, reconnecting with family, and planning out the future. Despite all of this, why did I come back? Well it’s because I feel better now. I just really wanted to get away from everything for a while so I could heal and improve on myself and so far it’s been working well. However, recently in the past few months I been wanting to come back to PR, this server means a fucking a lot to me in so many ways. I’ve made friends here, met cool people, learned new things, experienced cool shit, and met the love of my life here. Whether it’s home or a safe haven, this community holds a special spot in my heart because if I never came to PR everything would be so different than how things are right now. I’m going to try to stay this time, but I’m not sure how active I’ll be with irl stuff I have going on. It’s not super bad right now, but with the stuff that’s going to be happening next year my activity is going to be reduced a shit ton. I also don’t want to spend the entire day on the server, it’s probably not healthy for me. I’m not sure if I’ve left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth or if people don’t want to do anything with me, but I just want to let you know that it’s fine. I’ll still love everyone, we’re all human beings and being happy is the true meaning of life I think. Anyways, I look forward to seeing you guys more often and to getting to know some of the new people, it’s been a very long time. Have a good rest of the day!
